Today marks the birthday of my grandmother Bonnie Fielder, lovingly called Maw Maw by all of her grandchildren.
A while ago in college someone told me that losing a loved one to death is something that you never get over, you learn to cope. That was told to me the Spring before my grandmother left us after a Chadasha concert in Dickson, TN.
At that time I never imagined that I would learn what that meant in just a few short months. Yes, I am living my life and have learned to cope. There are times however when those feelings feel fresh and every bit as real as they did when I learned that I would be loosing my grandmother.
I would be lying if I said , early on, that I wasn't mad at God. It hurt and I could not imagine why God would take my grandmother from our family. There are things that I will never understand on this side of heaven. That's where my faith kicks in, a faith that was evident in my grandmother and has been passed down to her kids and grand-kids.
My feelings still to this day are echoed in these lyrics:
"God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But, God you know, this is what I am aching for
God, You know, I just can't see beyond that door
But in my mind's eye I can see a place
Where your Glory fills every empty space
ALL THE CANCER IS GONE
Every mouth is fed
And there's no one left in the orphan's bed
Every lonely heart finds there one true love
And there's no more goodbye
And no more not enough
And there's no more enemy
No More
God, I know it's so much more than I can dream
It's far beyond anything I can conceive
So God, You know, I'm trusting you until I see
Heaven in the face of my Maw Maw."
-Taken from Heaven is the Face by:Steven Curtis Chapman
I will always have questions here. I learned of God on flan-o-grams in church as a kid, but God is much different than that. God has become so much more real now, but so much more mysterious. I find life to be much harder than I planned sometimes, like when I had to say goodbye to my grandmother. How could a God that is so good and strong, let my family feel so much pain. I knew He was there, He never turns His head. I know that He knows my heart and I know that He cried a thousand more tears that my family has cried and I genuinely get confused by the mystery surrounding my God. However, it gives me comfort in knowing how deeply He cares.
For reasons I can't understand right now, my Father knows best. I pray that when I feel these feelings and remember the pain, that He breathes His life and love in me. . .and at that moment all the great memories of times with my Maw Maw come flooding back. I know that she is in a better place now and I begin to look at the legacy that she has left in the face of her children, grandchildren and now a great-grandson.
I didn't plan on writing this post today. I began to write and this is what came out.
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